The word “No” is one of the most highly charged words in the English language. It is a powerful and essential word, yet simultaneously difficult to say and destructive when carelessly used in communication. However, no other word gives you the authority to stand up for what you believe and the power to protect yourself and those you care about. Ironically, when you learn how to correctly say No to yourself and others you will increase your effectiveness and influence by committing to less and completing what you have agreed to do. The power of no is that it makes your “yes” stronger.
My Father’s Favorite Word
Growing up, I swore that “No” was my Father’s favorite word. His parenting style was mostly authoritarian and he was as dominant and directive as any man I have known. For years I was infuriated by this and I wrestled with frustration and hurt and even struggled socially in the fact that I was not allowed to do what many of my peers did. Many years later as a young woman my Dad and I discussed this issue and I was quite surprised by his reasoning.
He declared, “Most people can not handle being told ‘No’. And they can’t tell themselves ‘No’. You needed to learn to deal with the word ‘No’. If you could handle me telling you ‘No’, then I knew that one day you’d be able to tell yourself “No” when you needed to!” Although, I don’t think my Dad could articulate this reason when I was younger it was actually a profound response when I pressed him as to why he had been so hard on me through the years.
Over the years I have relayed my story to hundreds of people and interestingly, the response is the same over and over. People regularly confide in me, “I wish someone had told me ‘No’, because I can’t tell myself ‘No.”
Is saying No really failure?
It’s not exactly news, but these days most people are generally overwhelmed, overloaded, and stressed out in an area of their life. Today, we have more choices than any other generation historically; just walk into a Starbucks and try ordering a coffee. More choices mean more decisions to make with less time, since the pace of cultural change is increasing more rapidly than at any time in history. Essentially, it is becoming more difficult to set and maintain healthy boundaries in our lives.
The speed of change in my own life has been tremendous. I was engaged to my husband within 8 days of meeting, married less than three months after that, and gave birth to a beautiful, strong son a year later, after traveling for four months across country and moving to a new home. My life is a dream come true, but it has significantly changed and my bandwidth is often maxed being a wife, mother, and entrepreneur. To be a great wife, mother, and entrepreneur I have had to say No more than I would like to things that I value and people who are important to me.
Ultimately we don’t like being told No and so we don’t want to tell others No. We pride ourselves on being open, willing, and ready to say “yes” at all times. Saying No is like a failure or an admission of weakness. When we don’t say No when we should we become overburdened, resentful, and feel victimized. On the other hand, when we do say No, it is often said destructively out of anger and frustration, destroying relationships in order protect ourselves.
What we need to learn is that the power of no is a positive thing. We need to lear how to say No in a positive way. We need to learn to protect our own needs and the needs of others. We need to learn to protect our space, energy, and time by saying No to unwanted demands, invitations and inappropriate or harmful behavior. Learning to say No can actually increase your capacity and ability to create peace in your life. Saying No in a healthy and honorable way is at the heart of the great commandment to “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Loving others begins with self love and self care.
I imagine you may have heard the idea that “good is the enemy of great.” The power of no is that it is our first line of defense and offense at the same time. By saying no to good things you can say yes to great things.
The power of no is like an iceberg
I have come to see the word No as an iceberg. What is visible above the water is what I am saying No to –but what is harder to see, beneath the water is what I am saying Yes to. Every time I say No to something, I am actually saying Yes to something deeper and greater. Consider that for a moment. Every time you say “no” to something or someone, you are actually saying “yes” to your self, “yes” to something deeper and greater.
Years later, I discovered that my Dad wasn’t just saying No as punishment every time I wanted to have fun. But, he was saying Yes to the deeper fact that he wanted to spend more quality time with me…Yes to teaching me wisdom and how not to mindlessly follow the crowds….Yes to teaching me self-discipline…Yes to teaching me how to be a great leader by being a great follower –even when I didn’t agree or understand.
I am learning to say No to people and opportunities in order to say Yes to richer relationships, a healthy lifestyle, and a more peaceful and vibrant life for me and my family. Next time you are asked to commit to something new, pause and consider what your deeper Yes is. May you discover in that moment the power and freedom of saying No to yourself and others.
Photo credit: wanderflechten via photopin cc
