Unsent Letters: A Strategy for Criticism

Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict with people is inevitable.  The closer we live and and work with people the more more startling the differences are between us.  And, the more abrasive those behaviors can become.  However, your success in life largely depends on a how you handle the difficult people who cross your path and walk beside you.  So, how do you deal with being critical of other people when the feelings are inevitable?  Abraham Lincoln learned a hard lesson about criticism and developed a valuable strategy that would serve everyone of us.

Criticism is Futile

First of all, lets look at criticism.  What does it do?  Generally it stirs up our anger, wounds our valuable pride, and hurts our sense of importance.  Criticism puts us on the defensive and makes us resentful.  It backs us into a corner which only leads to self-justification and most often condemnation for the person criticizing us.

Has criticism ever led you to change?  Why is it, then, that we’re so quick to judge and criticize others?  And, why do we go out of our way to publicly criticize people, adding salt to their wounds?  Especially when we know our words can come back and haunt us?  Why don’t we keep our big mouths shut?

We are not logical people.  We are deeply emotional creatures, generally motivated subconsciously by pride, vanity, and prejudices.  Our critical feelings of other people are valid in one sense, because given the same circumstances and choices, we would likely make different decisions.  But, until you have walked in someone’s proverbial shoes you really don’t know what motivates them or why they made the decisions they did.

Ironically, most people, sinister gang leaders included, regard themselves highly.  Consider, Al Capone.  He was known in Chicago in the 1930’s as “Public Enemy No. 1”.  But, he regarded himself as simply a “public benefactor –an un appreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.”  And, this phenomenon is not limited to gangsters.  99% of the people you meet will never criticize himself or herself for any reason.  They will deny the situation, blame others, or focus on self-justification.  It is a rare thing indeed to find someone who will take personal responsibility for their choices in life and the outcome of those choices.

Lincoln: The Critic

As Abraham Lincoln lay dying in a cheap hotel in 1865, Secretary of War Edwin Stanton observed, “There lies the most perfect ruler of men that the world has ever seen.”  Although Abraham Lincoln was far from perfect he has historically been regarded as one of the greatest leaders in American History.  What was the secret of Lincoln’s success?

There are many things that distinguished Lincoln as a leader, but, one thing stood out to me in my study of his life: Lincoln’s method of dealing with his criticism.  Og Mandino in his book the University of Success, details two little known stories about Lincoln.

As a young man, in Pidgeon Creek Valley of Indiana, Lincoln not only criticized people but went so far as to write letters and poems ridiculing people.  Then he strategically dropped those written notes on country roads where they were sure to be found.  Even as a young professional, practicing law in Springfield, Illinois, he openly attacked his opponents.  And, his attacks were often publicly published in the newspapers.

A Brush with Death

But he did this once too often.

In the autumn of 1842, he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious Irish politician by the name of James Shields.  Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter published in the Springfield Journal.  The town roared with laughter.  Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation.  He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.  Lincoln didn’t want to fight.  He was opposed to dueling; but he couldn’t get out of it and save his honor.  He was given the choice of weapons.  Since he had very long arms, he chose Cavalry broad swords, took lessons in sword fighting from a Westpoint graduate; and, on the appointed day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death; but, at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel.

That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life.  It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people.  ….Never again did he ridicule anyone.  And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.

Immeasurably Distressed

Fast forward 21 years.  The self-restraint that Lincoln learned on that sandbar is evident years later when Lincoln was the President.

Immediately after their loss at the Battle of Gettysburg in 1863, General Lee and the Confederate Army began to retreat southward.  But, their retreat was thwarted by a massive rain storm which swelled the Potomac river.  With the army trapped Lincoln saw a heaven-sent opportunity to win the Civil War.  He commanded General Meade to attack immediately without delay.

But, Meade hesitated and procrastinated.  He telegraphed excuses and outright refused to attack.  He even called a council of war which Lincoln specifically told him not to do.  When the waters finally receded Lee and his army escaped.

Full of fury and anger Lincoln sat down and wrote his complaints in a long letter to General Meade.  By all accounts at this time in his life, Lincoln’s criticism was greatly restrained.

“I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee’s escape.  He was within our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war.  As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely.  If you could not safely attack Lee las Monday, how can you possibly do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few -no more than two thirds of the force you then had in hand?  It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect much.  Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably because of it.”

How did Meade react?

He never read the letter.  Because Lincoln never mailed it.

Write (but don’t Publish) your Criticism

The letter was found among President’s personal effects after his death in an envelope which he had endorsed with these words: “To General Meade, never sent or signed.”

Any fool will criticize and condemn people.  In fact, it is very easy to criticize people these days and most people do it both very quickly and very publicly on social media (Facebook, Twitter etc.).  But words are a dangerous spark that can cause deadly explosions or at the very least cost us more than we can afford to lose.  As Lincoln experienced on that Mississippi sandbar. He learned by bitter experience that sharp criticism and rebuke almost invariably end in futility.

Although he never again published his criticism after that day on the sandbar.  He apparently continued his habit of writing his criticism.  However, he used great restraint with his words and he kept his criticism private.  I believe Lincoln understood the value of letting off steam and getting things off his chest; acknowledging his emotions without stuffing them.  And, yet paradoxically he wisely learned how to be much more understanding, extending great grace and forgiveness.

Jesus once said, “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to see the log of wood in your own?   Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye,’ while there is a log in your own?  You hypocrite! First remove the log from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

If you are going to become a great leader you must go against the tide and focus your energy not on changing other people but on your own character and personal growth.  You must develop a “long fuse” and great patience rather than focus on retaliation or punishing others.

When you feel the urge to criticize someone use Lincoln’s strategy: write (but don’t publish) your criticism.